These Moments We Live
by Shadowed Illusion
Summary: A series of short fics and drabbles showcasing Shepard's thoughts and experiences through ME3. Mentions of Shepard/Kaidan but focuses on Shepard/Garrus mainly. Mostly in chronological order.


She hadn't meant to shut him down so hard but when he'd insinuated that she was no better than the monstrous hybrid that Cerberus had made of the soldier at their feet she couldn't contain the bitterness that had plagued her since Horizon. When she's seen him on earth, for the first time since that day, it had been like a punch to the gut. He looked good, even if the guarded manner in which he addressed her had set her teeth on edge. When Anderson addressed him as Major she'd felt a surge of mingled pride and sorrow. Pride that the young man she'd loved had found his own way forward from the darkness of his past. Sorrow that she hadn't been part of that journey. He'd apologized and she'd made a joke, something he used to appreciate about her but now only served to make him uncomfortable if the way he tensed at her words had any meaning. She'd pushed it from her mind with the threat of a Reaper attack so near and hadn't thought about it again until he'd started questioning her on Mars. Each accusation, each display of his lack of faith had been like the slice of a knife to her. He wasn't the same man she remembered, the same man who'd given her the confidence to keep going when facing impossible odds. Deep down she'd known that already, after their meeting on Horizon, but she'd still hoped that he was in there somewhere, that she hadn't lost that anchor to her past. Then when he'd kept pushing and saying that she must know what Cerberus was up to, that he thought there was more to her involvement with Cerberus than she would admit, it dawned on her why she was disappointed that her memory of him wasn't living up to the reality. Garrus.

Garrus, who'd been just as devastated by her death as Kaidan; Garrus who had run off to Omega and risked his life every day because of the pain he felt at losing her; Garrus who'd never once doubted her since she came back. He'd greeted with open arms and had fallen into step with her like they'd never been apart. She'd felt a flash of anger at the realization. Why had it been so easy for Garrus to accept her, and not Kaidan? So she'd said it. Lashed out at him in her pain and had been surprised to feel an odd mixture of relief and sorrow flowing through her as she told him that he was in her past, that the woman he'd loved had moved on. She watched the wall come up behind his eyes with a bitter sort of satisfaction. It was petty, and unlike her, but it was also oddly freeing. Suddenly she wondered where Garrus was, what he was doing. She hadn't had a moment to think of him since this started and felt a pang of guilt that he hadn't crossed her mind until now. Had he heard about the attack on earth? Did he think she was dead? Was he worried about her?

What had developed between them during the Collector mission was so new; they'd barely begun to bond before she'd been ordered back to Earth to stand trial for her "crimes". The nervous weeks of fumbling their way to an understanding of each other's desires had culminated in nights of frenzied passion, learning each other's bodies and whispering secrets in the dark. Then the call had come from Hackett and she'd dropped him off on Palaven on the way back to earth. He'd been the last of the team to leave, wanting to stay with her as long as he could. She'd watched him walk down that dock, turning back to lock eyes with her and had felt a shudder run through her at the thought that this might be the last time she saw him. They knew the Reapers were coming; it was only a matter of time. The question was, would it be enough time for them to find their way back to each other? She'd seen the same feeling mirrored in those bright blue eyes as the Normandy's doors closed in front of her, robbing them of one last glimpse as the ship rose into the air. For a moment she was back in that bed with him, on that first night when he was so nervous that she thought he might faint. She could still remember the feel of him against her, the rough rasp of plates against smooth skin, the sound of his voice rumbling through her as he moaned while she writhed against him. A smile pricked her lips at the thought but she shook herself free of the memory, her hand squeezing around the com she'd pulled from the dead soldier's helmet. If she wanted to have another such moment with him she couldn't let herself get distracted. They had a mission to complete but she promised herself that once they got back to the Normandy with the data and set course for the Citadel she'd try to contact him. Radioing the Cerberus team across the tramway she pushed all thoughts of Garrus and Kaidan from her mind. The here and now was what mattered. All the rest could wait.


End file.
